Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize