so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
