Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We left an ass print on the piano.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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