woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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