Just fell off a train. Bad.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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