dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
