I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
