He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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