i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
