im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
