If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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