my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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