Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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