I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
