i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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