The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
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I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
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No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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