I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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