I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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