btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
