he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
