Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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