It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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