There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
