Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
