dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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