Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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