she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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