so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
