You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
