You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
