This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
