Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
