I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize