I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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