She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
