so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
