Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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