I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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