I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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