The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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