I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
is that a dick in a sweater?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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