woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
