During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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