I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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