Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
