I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
