I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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