i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
