She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
My Higher Power is John Stamos
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i wish my penis had a tongue
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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