My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Fuck appropriateness.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
