I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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