remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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