i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
