She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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