Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
